How to define the good life
The heated gondola slows down as you approach the top of the mountain. A foot of fresh powder awaits your skis. Endless nights of Apres-ski. Is this the good life? Or if snow is not your thing, maybe a hot but not too hot sunny day on a white sand beach with cocktail in hand. Nothing but relaxation for days? How about this, is this your good life?
I think often the first things that come to mind when the phrase the good life is considered are the kinds of things that would make perfect vacations. Staying a wonderful beach side resort if you are into that or an idyllic mountainside cabin that is cozy and filled with many friends and family. Whatever your version of the perfect vacation is, is that the good life? But what about your desire to achieve inner peace or write a book? Does those co-exist with your endless, perfect vacation? It’s interesting consider these images along side those actions in your past that have led to feelings of calm and accomplishment. For me at least, none of these memories are associated with my vacations. While it’s true I’ve had the great fortune to go on some awesome vacations, when I think about the possibility of defining my good life only in the context of vacation, it scares me a bit. Much of meaning in my life is derived from events that deeply challenged me. Parenting is incredibly challenging and yet I adore my children. Working through my PhD was labor intensive and made me question my intelligence and will power. Yet, I am thankful for having gone through these challenges. I am grateful for the opportunities they have provided me.
Beyond perpetual vacation
Would it really be an ideal life to be on perpetual vacation? Maybe! I would be lying if I said that not a single part of me yearns for an endless beach resort stay! But, I know that there are things that I would like to achieve. I also know that a life of pure leisure would not be good environment for my continued learning and growth into the person I desire to become. Not having to worry about basic needs is an important aspect to live a calm life. Having all of your desires fulfilled all of the time is detrimental to growth and the pursuit of clarity about life.
If a perpetual vacation is on the one extreme, what is on the other extreme? Endless hours spent working on meaningless tasks. The stack of tasks ever growing. Each one draining more energy than the last. An meaningless drudge for eternity with no indication that you’ve done anything to improve the world. This is what I conjure when thinking of the opposite. I wonder what you consider to be the worst case scenario of a life not spent well. Instead, surely there is some middle ground which can represent something we consider a good life and something that gives us meaning and something that we can hope to achieve.
Don’t count on a golden ticket
What about unlikely but technically feasible outcomes such as winning a lottery. I think we should categorically rule out things like having to luckily bump into a billion dollars to achieve the life we want. Is it possible for this to happen to you? Absolutely it is. But should this be counted on as a way for you to achieve the good life? Absolutely not! We’ll have to wait way too long and all the while our lives will be passing us by. I propose it is better instead to spend that time building a sense of your good life that you can achieve.
But what is the good life if it is not the idyllic endless vacation? Well, that’s what we will explore defining because it is unique to each person and is deeply informed by our experiences, our temperament, and what resources we can hope to muster.
Qualifying the good life in terms of what we hope we can achieve is not going to constraint possibilities to only the mundane options. Creativity is often sharpest when interesting sets of rules are adhered to. There are parallels in the art world where some arts either intentionally or unintentionally restrict what mediums or colors they use to achieve their art. This restriction gives them freedom in a way that a completely blank page does not. This concept has utility in our current discussion of the good life. If the only way that you will feel happy is if you become a billionaire or become a pop star more popular than Taylor Swift then you might be spending a lot of your energy being overly optimistic about what is achievable in a single lifetime.
People who end up like Jeff Bezos or Taylor Swift are beneficiaries of a long string of happenstance that, combined with some of their innate features, ended in one possible extreme. If we took an exact copy of Taylor Swift at a young age and set her on a slightly different life trajectory, it is likely that things would not have ended up exactly the same. You might be tempted to say, “well this is all good, but it seems rather depressing since you are essentially saying achievement is all about chance.” This is a fair point. In any given moment it’s hard to say if an event is lucky or not since we don’t know how it will affect our trajectory. What may seem beneficial now may be detrimental tomorrow. Understanding how random things affect us is more than determining if buying a particular lottery ticket will transform us into a billionaire. The string of events leading to our current place in time are only part of the story and final judgment about a lucky or unlucky life should be saved until later.
Consider for example, someone who wanted to be an astronaut as a child and took steps to achieve this dream in young adulthood. This person may have studied certain kinds of engineering. Maybe they joined the military or became a commercial pilot in the pursuit of trying to achieve their space dream. Suppose at the end of their 30s they have yet to visit space. Did they miss their lucky break? Are they experiencing misfortune? Do they consider themselves a failure? All of these things are not very straightforward to answer. If a simple answer must be given then it depends on specifics!
Balance ambition and flexibility
When we set out on a journey, it’s really helpful to set a goal. Different people are more or less ambitious and set more or less aspirational goals. Regardless of how lofty (or not) the goal, it’s important to check in periodically if the goal is still aligned with our future selves. Returning to our astronaut example, a natural question arises. Should we hold ourselves accountable to the goals of our child-selves? For me, a pilot who wanted to be an astronaut as a child is not a failure. Since their stated goal was to be an astronaut, it can literally be said that they failed. But, consider the life they built for themselves. Maybe they relish the ability to fly planes for a living. Maybe they enjoy the travel benefits this awards them and their loved ones. Perhaps they do bemoan the lack of space travel in the way they dreamed as a child. But this reveals one of the keys to finding the good life: Be able to pivot based on where you find yourself. This person tried hard to become an astronaut and pursued meaningful work. They ended up with exciting and meaningful prospects even if different than initially imagined.
Being flexible and following your passion will open many doors for you. Once you open a few doors, it is likely that many more will open for you. There are many ways to you widen the number of doors available to you. Pursuing higher education is definitely one of them. This is why I still think it is beneficial for people to pursue higher education despite the well noted challenges. Taking on large amounts of debt is indeed risky. University is not a series of preparation courses for an industry job. Finding a job later you obtain a degree is daunting. These challenges are well documented. However, Universities are a unique place. They give you access to a large number of possibility doors many of which lead to the doors of your good life later down the line. Even if you pursue a career in a field different than the one you study, all those experiences of deeply studying a subject have an enriching effect to how your process problems and formulate their solutions. This process the is basis for success in almost every discipline. Allow yourself to be flexible to pivot to those areas you find meaningful.
A quick aside, yes it’s absolutely possible for people to succeed wildly without any higher education. I know many such people in my personal life and several who have reached a level of achievement I don’t expect I will match. This further supports our claim that the journey to success is inherently personal!
Finding many good alternatives
Studying one subject deeply is well and good, but what do people who don’t know what to do? Or those who have studied deeply and now do not like their chosen subject? There are many people who look up one day in college and think, “gosh, why am I here? I’m not sure if I like the major I’ve chosen” And there are also folks in graduate school who midway through a PhD think “oh no! I’m not sure I really like this discipline and I feel like I’ve sunk too many resources to start over.” To be sure, each of these cases is very challenging and there are no easy solutions to these problems. That being said, any progress toward defining your own values or your own version of the good life will be tremendously helpful for getting yourself unstuck from such situations. It’s very tempting to become completely mired in your self pity when these thoughts come up. At least that was my experience. But I think the solution to these feelings is to make progress on building a vision of a future you want to live in and that you think is realistic for you to achieve. If the good life involves being flexible and putting yourself in a position where many options will be acceptable it is important to define a heading to the space of doors where the possibilities resonate with you.
In order to find a space where you can be confident that there are many good options, use your current experience and your unique circumstances. Is your 2nd cousin a touring guitarist who knows lots of musicians? If so how can you leverage that to expand your possibilities even if you yourself don’t want to be a musician. Did you learn a second language as a child? What opportunities does this afford you now? Did you specialize and compete as archer in junior high? What about this experience can help you now. The point is to be creative.
Death and reflection
Use this creativity as you explore what the good life means to you. I encourage you not to simply write down the perpetual vacation version of the good life, but to consider the following scenario. Have you ever attended a funeral where there were an incredible amount of people who have lovely things to say about the deceased person? Even the despite the immense sadness of having a loved one pass, I am deeply moved to see such intense humanity presented by those that assemble to remember the life of someone they felt had great value. Why else would all those people show up? Well maybe there are other reasons but most people show up to such an occasion as a sign that they feel the recently deceased person held great value and lived a life that is worth respecting and revering.
I like to use this as a macabre guide. How can I live a life such that if I would want to attend my own funeral and pay respects to someone who I feel lived a life well lived. While it’s certainly possible that this can happen if someone lives at a beach resort for the rest of their lives, but more often than not, I would say that you would not attend the funeral of someone who only lived a life of luxury and did nothing else.
Writing prompts
For each of the prompts below consider writing for 15 minutes continuously to answer them. The next day, read and reflect on what you wrote. Ideas may stick out on your second reading as not worthwhile. Throw those out. Other ideas may need more refinement, consider writing about them instead. Other words you wrote may bring up questions. Call a friend and ask to talk about it.
What does the good life mean to you?
Does achievement of specific goals invigorate or cause you anxiety?
How is someone you respect and think has lived the good life? Why is their life good?